Shelf of Shame #15

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RON JEREMY STORY...

Mass, Length and Time. Norman Feather. Penguin Books: London: 1961. Orig. pub. 1959 by Edinburgh University Press. Paperback w. illustrated card covers. 358pp. + in-text illus.

If reading about the basics of physics turns you on, then this book is all the porn you need. Indeed, if you like it that much, you could say that "Feather tickles your fancy"... ahem.

For the rest of us, however, amusement must be derived from our perverted minds, in which cause the chapter and segment designations in this book lend themselves relatively (!) well to innuendo.

My favourites are appended here below:

- Measurement of Length in Practice
- The Screw in Relation to Measurement
- Uniformly Accelerated Rectilinear Motion
- Motion in Space
- Simple Harmonic Motion
- The Motion of Real Bodies
- Comparison of Masses: Ballistic Balance
- Some Problems of Equilibrium
- Collisions Between Real Bodies
- Frictions of Solids
- Friction of Liquids: Lubrication and Viscosity
- Interfacial Energy

This provocative subject material might have caught on had it been popularized by an artist sensitive to the subject matter, say... Olivia Newton John. Especially if she accompanied them with risque videos. This surely would have earned her an honourary doctorate in getting Physical - which prompts one to wonder why Mr. Jeremy has also not been accorded this honour?... after all his, erm, body of work has touched on most of the, erm, headings given above. Which fine upstanding bastion of higher learning will come forward and rectify this wrong? Well, while waiting for redress of this injustice, I'm going to check out some Torsional Oscillations - what can I say? It's a little fetish of mine.

For Further Research:
General Physics
Author Norman Feather, and something neat about him
Olivia Newton John
and if you really need to... Ron Jeremy

Shelf of Shame #14

COERCION + FEAR = TRUE LOVE!!

(Wait Till You Get Them) Up In The Air Boys
Words by Lew Brown. Music by Albert Von Tilzer. Broadway Music Co: New York: 1919. 4to-sized sheet music. 1 sheet, folded. Illustrated cover, ads to rear panel, 2p. music & lyrics.


Step 1: Create an environment in which you are in complete control. Step 2: Ensnare the target of your affection to that environment. Step 3: Present her with the choice. Step 4: Let true love blososm.

These post-War prohibition-era playaz obviously knew how to found successful relationships - or, at least how to get their hogs washed at 10,000 feet. One wonders if perhaps this is the inadvertent origin of the "Mile-High" Club... Is this kind of aerial-rohypnol really what the intrepid Wright Brothers had in mind when they successfully launched at Kitty Hawk in 1903? Kitty Hawk? More like Pussy Hawk in this song's context.

Somewhat more seriously, apart from the antiquated (and admittedly tongue-in-cheek) view of the romantic process, the more interesting social reference in this song is to prohibition and the fact that alcohol is recognized as being very useful for getting a prospective partner "in the mood". Mayhap we are not so much more sophisticated than our forbears, as the big "A" is still a huge part of the social scene - and we have even managed to add to the mix a few other letters not available back in the day.

Below are the full lyrics for your amusement and edification. Meanwhile, I have a pilot's license to study for.

Song Lyrics
Sometimes you try to love a girl, and she says "no" to you
It makes you feel so blue, there's nothing you can do
You take her for an auto ride and start that mushy talk
But if she doesn't like it, she gets out and starts to walk
They've fooled us ever since the world began
But listen boys, I've got a little plan

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
You can loop the loop till she can hardly get her breath
It isn't hard to reason with a girl who's scared to death
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air

Do you remember when you took a girlie out to dine?
You used to buy her wine, 'cause it made her feel so fine
She'd always hug and kiss you because she felt so light and gay
And I suppose you're worried since they took the wine away
But boys, it's not as bad as you expect
An aero-ride will have the same effect

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
When you get her way up high have all the fun you can
There never was a girl who'd fall that far for any man
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air


For Further Research:
The Wright Brothers & Kitty Hawk
Temperence & Prohibition in America
Rohypnol
The Broadway Music Corporation