Shelf of Shame #3

THEY CAME FROM GERMANY
Dieter Cunz. Dodd, Mead & Company: New York: 1966. 8vo. Grey cloth boards w. red titles to spine, illustrated dj. [viii] + 178 pp. 13 b&w photo illustrations.

Sometimes, a "nom-de-plume" is a good idea.



For Further Research:
John Peter Zenger
Friedrich von Steuben
Charles Follen
John Jacob Astor
Carl Schurz
John A. Roebling
Thomas Nast
Ottmar Mergenthaler
Wernher von Braun (serious)
Wernher von Braun (funny)
Dieter Cunz / photo

Miscellany of Shame #2

Caribbean Traditions: Cock Flavoured Seasoning
{company name blacked out}

Ok, I don't really need to say anything about this one, do I...? Well, I will anyway. This litle jar of joy was a recent birthday gift from Bet & Bry, who knew the very moment they saw it for sale in a store that it belonged on a certain Shelf of mine.

I cannot help but feel that this item represents a complete lack of due care and attention at the most fundamental product level... What the hell happened in the company boardroom that day...?

"Nice presentation there, Richard - but, um, just one question... Cock Flavoured?? Are you really sure about that one?"

"Well Percy, I'm glad you asked that. Current market research shows that all our rivals have a chicken flavoured seasoning - and that does represent some stiff competition. We need to stand firm with a name that will rise above the rest. Maybe Rod could speak to the branding process..."

"Sure Dick, I'd be glad to. Let me just say that it was long and hard, but our guys in the department were determined to beat it. Our hands-on approach worked, and in a single stroke it came, hit us in the face really. The taste of chicken is common - nobody gets excited about that. But cock, in the other hand, is exotic. We're confident people will go down, to the shop, and get a load."

"That's right, Rod. You see, Percy, we're on the tip of something big here. We think it's a winner, no matter which way you rub it. There's a big hole in the marketplace. You can tell our shareholders with confidence that this company will stand firm, and fill that void."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

Sound of Shame #1

JESSE CRAWFORD: The Poet of the Organ
Design Records, n.d.

Found this old album while garage sailing yesterday, and couldn't resist. Naturally, the title prompts one to riff oxymoronic, in the style of "Soothing Bagpipe Music" or maybe "Non-Annoying Accordion Tunes".

Apart from that, however, the burning question (at least in our Freudianized times) is why anyone in their right mind would want to be immortalized as "The Poet of the Organ"...?

Unless of course it's a marketable skill, in which case the Craigslist personals eagerly await your posting.


Further Research:

Those wishing to learn about Mr. Jesse Crawford, "The Poet of the Organ", can go to this article at the American Theatre Organ Society website:
http://www.atos.org/Pages/Journal/Crawford/Crawford_Bio.html

For the story of Design Records, please consult the link below:
http://www.bsnpubs.com/pickwick/designstory.html

Miscellany of Shame #1

DR. TONGUE'S 3-D HOUSE OF K.D.
from the Midland Mirror, Oct 30, 2008

So you want to buy an affordable house... well here it is! Only $129,900 for a "super starter". But you know what will really sweeten this great home-owning opportunity? K.D. of course. Lots of K.D.

What kind of shambles of a house must this be, that the offer of 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner might well be the lynchpin to swinging the deal? Well, we don't really know since our intrepid agent hasn't even pictured the house. Just the K.D. And I suppose that's clever, because now we have to go to open house to find out. I wonder if he provides a K.D. lunch for those attending...

I don't really hold the K.D. offer against him - it is quite funny. What niggles my brain is his assumption that 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner constitutes a year's supply. Which it does, provided a single box is eaten per day - never mind the fact that if it is a Leap Year we will, very annoyingly, be one box short.

But what if someone really likes K.D. and eats two per day - now we are down to a six-month supply. Or worse, three boxes per day and we're looking at about four months only. And this doesn't even factor in ketchup. Ketchup costs alone for that much K.D. are going to add up rapidly... don't even think of adding hot-dogs. Suddenly that new bathroom suite is on hold, and our sweet-deal dream-home is a soggy-pasta and dehydrated-cheese-product nightmare.

Still, you have to admire the uniqueness of this sales ploy. I guess some things just Gotta Be.